The kitchen floor

The workers who gutted the house didn’t touch the kitchen floor

They pulled up every other one

Except this 

Why?

The handyman I thought would come

Never did

So it became our task

First the thick wedges of tile and the layer underneath it

Gave way to more layers – linoleum, and more linoleum, and more tile

Five layers to the subfloor

They kept adding them on, the people who lived here before

Just covered over the old floor

Time after time

Covered over the stains

Covered over the scrapes

Covered over the torn parts

The damage

And every time things could be clean and neat for a while

Every layer on top brought a reprieve, hope, newness

And with each layer the people felt good for a while

(Until they were compelled to do it again)

But what was underneath never changed

Covering it over never changed what was underneath

Dust, dirt, mold, decay, rot

“The only real revolutionary, people say, is a man who has nothing to lose” – MLK

“I can’t sleep cause it’s a war zone in my head” – PTSD, G Herbo

the first person i ever slept with

dead

my mother

dead

my father

dead

my grandparents

dead

the first baby i ever held

dead

aunts and uncles

dead

three of the students i was closest to

dead

the person who is the reason i am alive

dead

me:

The Buddhist, the Jesus Freak and the Witch

 

The Buddhist says let everything go

Attachment is the root of all suffering

The Jesus Freak says suffering is noble

And I am forgiven

The witch says harness your powers bitch

Control what you can and be patient

I’ve been in silent meditation retreat for the last week at Vallecitos in (New) Mexico getting My. Whole. Life. Together. In deep gratitude for this time. The practice and the nature ignited my creativity and I wrote some new poems!

Please feel free to quote/use with attribution to Nijmie Dzurinko.

Family Traditions

Not saying I love you.

Not showing affection.

Working until you drop dead.

Being abandoned.

Being abused.

Watching people fighting.

Addiction.

Hating ourselves.

Hating each other.

Not speaking.

Not listening.

Telling lies.

Keeping secrets.

Dying without knowing

You were forgiven and

You did the best you could.

 

No-mind haiku

Please don’t ever ask

Me for advice because I

Don’t know anything

 

Doing Too Much 

Sometimes you cannot

Make things better but you can

Stop making them worse

 

Stories

there’s a man

hitting stone on stone

almost like he’s trying to

light a fire. but that’s not it.

he promptly drops one stone

into a mug of water as if

he’s making stone tea

i have no idea what he’s doing

and i probably never will

like any of us, i make up stories

 

Breathing

This meditation is my way

Of honoring God

The Awakened Ones

Universal Consciousness

For breathing me

I am involuntarily alive

I can hold my breath but I cannot

Stop it at will

God breathes me and I simply

Pay attention

Pay homage

Thank you for this breath

Thank you for this life

The whole earth and everything in it is good

 

Starting Over

Who am I

but a series of stories

I tell myself

everyday

in order to remember

who I am?

starting over feels

impossible until

I remember

without these stories

every day is starting over

every moment is

 

We Need To Turn Dreamers Into Doers and Doers Into Dreamers

organizing

like walking on a path

is a process

so many little ants

like details

seem to be a distraction

from getting where you’re trying to go

but you must be careful not

to step on any because

to do so would be to

extinguish a life

 

Maybe

Maybe  I have done enough

been enough

given enough

said enough – even when they didn’t

want to hear it. maybe they will

look back and say “now I understand”

or not

either way

I can’t keep wondering